flash mobs, score boards, modern romance and job hunting

I'm reading a new book about modern romance. Yup, that is seriously what it is about. I'm not afraid to admit it. Admittedly, I did not know it was about that when I started reading it, but by the time my Kindle told me I was 15% into the book I was hooked. It got me thinking about how weird the concept of romance has gotten and how that same weird concept has infiltrated our work life as well and if it was a good thing or not.


I'd like to meet the first person that asked their significant other to marry them on an arena score board or the first person to YouTube a flash mob wedding proposal. I'd like to meet them and punch them in the face. (It may sound mean but it is what it is.

This happens SO much, there is even an infographic on the set costs of doing such a thing. So much for original

This happens SO much, there is even an infographic on the set costs of doing such a thing. So much for original

When those people did that, they changed everything because they made proposals this massive event that now has no originality, no meaning and forces people to think bigger and bigger is their only option. (If you asked someone to marry you in this form, I'm not talking about you, you didn't have a choice, it was expected so I understand. I'm mad at the 1st person who did it, they are on my list.) Now we live in a world of awkward white guys dancing to impress their wife and relatives at the reception and millions of judging spectators on YouTube. 

You are probably now wondering, what in the world I am talking about. Modern romance has turned us into braggadocious show boating competitive weirdo's. It isn't just with potential lifemates either. All of the sudden we are trying to do the same thing at work. 

We apply for jobs online with a thousand other yahoo's for the same role. A computer picks up if we chose the right generic words to win the interview lottery. Then we chat with an HR person that often times hasn't been provided any real information on the role. If you pass this step you then get to meet with 1 to 20 other people on the team to determine if you are a fit for the role. There is no timeline provided, call backs are never when they say they will be, nobody responds to your thank you email, voicemail or thank you card, even though it is an expected practice. So basically we do all of these things just to play the game. What this means, is that the idea of "modern romance" or technology has quite literally turned getting a new job into winning the employment lottery.

I sound bitter, I know but maybe I am. I have been helping a lot of people lately to find jobs and the responses and experiences I hear about are appalling. These are seriously qualified people with good resumes, good personalities and everything else you would expect from someone you wanted to hire. Now being qualified isn't enough. You need your own career flash mob. Full disclosure, you probably shouldn't do a flash mob for an HR department. 

So I guess the question is, what would be the equivalent to a wedding proposal flash mob for our careers? How do we let people know who we are and what we have to offer in a compelling "man I gotta hire this kid right away" kind of way?

Some people do have some pretty interesting ideas from sandwich boards saying "hire me", taking out ads, video resume's etc. In some small cases, that works, but it isn't a guarantee. I am not sure I know the answer but...I will say this. Maybe this type of crazy idea job hunting will lose its luster. Maybe we are in the down slide of schemes and tactics to get a job and we are moving up towards good old fashioned hard word, dedication and drive...I said MAYBE, which probably reinforces the fact that I have no clue what the answer is. That reinforces the fact that maybe this post doesn't have its plot wrapped up in a nice bow.

Let's bring it back to the beginning and the idea of a flash mob wedding proposal. How many stories that start that way end with a 50th wedding anniversary? This is not meant as a judgement more of a hypothesis. When you start something as life altering as a marriage or a job it is special. You are learning new things every day, you get butterflies, there is always something new and exciting to talk about and share. All of that means that there isn't a need for any flashy addition to make it better, it's already awesome.

As time goes by, in a marriage or a job things start to settle, they become a little more routine, the quirks we used to love now make the hair on our neck raise up. THIS is when we need a scoreboard proclamation of love. This is when we need to be reminded why we are there. This may be easy to imagine in relation to a marriage or love, a tad harder maybe for a job. I see i like this, fancy resume's and big bold gestures may in fact get someone's attention at a place of employment, they may even get you in to a job but getting in is only the first step. Once you're in is when the hard work really begins and unless you are always at score board level or above, the expectation you created isn't being met. You have to do more and more to be seen and recognized for your work and it is usually at this point when people start to not like the job they so publicly fought to get.

I think it is time to bring some real romance back to our lives. It is time for us to do the work that gets us scene, recognized and adored. Modern romance? I'll take good old fashioned "till death do us part" kind of romance and get a career instead of a job. 

no flash mob or scoreboard required.

don't be the "if only I knew then..." kinda gal. then is now! (men that means you too)

I get asked a lot why I choose to write, speak or train with a focus on women. This always surprises me because is kind of like asking me "why I'm single". It implies that something is wrong with focusing on women and wrong that I am single. 

NOT MY BABY! Otis is purely borrowed for demonstration purposes. but seriously how cute is he. he thinks I am the "shiznit"

NOT MY BABY! Otis is purely borrowed for demonstration purposes. but seriously how cute is he. he thinks I am the "shiznit"

I speak to everyone and yes, often my content has a focus about women and/or for women. I do this because contrary to what people want to believe I think there is a difference between men and women and I think that the expectations put on women far outweigh those of men. (I do not expect everyone to agree with me on this, but it is my truth). When I go out and speak, I feel validated in my hypothesis by the multitude of comments, questions and exclamations brought to me by the women in the audience.

I get asked quite a lot of questions but there is one very common thread in all of them. Almost every woman I meet asks me some sort of question that ties into this idea of being "the perfect woman" or how to do it all, how did I get to do what I do. In contrast most of the questions I receive from men in the audience are about networking.

Apparently "having it all" first became part of the cultural lexicon in 1982. To learn more about the complicated history of the idea of having it all check out this great article    " The Complicated Origins of Having it All" in the New York Times January 2015.

Apparently "having it all" first became part of the cultural lexicon in 1982. To learn more about the complicated history of the idea of having it all check out this great article " The Complicated Origins of Having it All" in the New York Times January 2015.


where & when did women start believing that they should try to "have it all" anyways? 

When attempting to find a picture of this book, I plugged in the words "having it all" into Amazon and got 20 pages of books with a similar or the same title. Wow, we really do think we need to do this, don't we?

A small sampling of the books I found on "having it all"

A small sampling of the books I found on "having it all"

Apparently as we have moved forward with "women's lib" and the "feminist movement" we have also moved towards the feeling of needing to do it all. So many women fought for our right to have options, it seems that we took that to mean we need to take all the options out there. It's kind of like the first time a kid goes trick-or-treating when they come home and eat chocolate until they get sick. (rookies)

Modern technology gives us the illusion of being able to do it all because we have these little machines to "make it easier". Boy is that a misconception. If any thing it has added MORE things to do in order to "have it all". it basically introduced us to a whole new world with its own set of rules for what makes us Superwoman. It has created more pressure than ever before. It is this pressure that motivated me to write this post. 

What happens when that pressure gets in the way of our lives? What happens when we aren't really living anymore, we are just doing?

"spend more time "being" & less time doing"

we are under the influence of an unattainable standard

we are under the influence of an unattainable standard

As women have gotten more educated it's as if there is some sort of imaginary starter pistol that goes off and BAM! we are on the hunt.  A sense of responsibility and a drive to be successful. And we are putting a timeline on it too. The average American woman gets married around 26 years of age. When a woman goes to college she gets married much later and there is a perception that they have less time to get things going. Husband, babies, career they all have to be rolling along before a certain age or....

I don't actually know what the "OR" is and I'm guessing you don't either. It probably has something to do with FOMO (Fear of missing out). We aren't missing out on anything though. I do not claim to be an expert but I don't think we are missing out on anything,


We continue to try and "have it all". When we try this, we miss out on so much of life. We get so caught with a to do list that we don't get to experience much of the joy or benefits of what we are doing. We have lost the ability to just...

stand still.

In honor of standing still I am sharing the below video. My mother had me watch it and it really is a beautiful reminder of what is really important.

Let's not be "if I knew then" kinda gals. Let's do what makes us happy, content, at peace with ourselves and the world we have built around us.

The view is beautiful, I promise. As the video says...make it your mission to

relax, breathe and just...let go!


2015 Sanctuary Survey Sample 1,064

the search for happiness...

A while back I had the opportunity to watch a movie called "Hector and the Search for Happiness". Have you seen it? I decided to watch it based purely on the title. For those of you that don't know me, I am a sucker for happiness, a purveyor of happiness, if you will. The movie, which was adapted from the book of the same name focuses on Hector (a psychiatrist) who decided to go search the world for what happiness means.

The move was good in large part because it focused on the things that Hector discovered while seeking the meaning of happiness. He wrote them down as he went along. So today I wanted to share those things with you, What better way to head into the weekend then with a list of happiness?

Making comparisons can spoil your happiness

Happiness often comes when least expected

Many people only see happiness in their future

Many people think happiness comes from having more power or more money

Sometimes happiness is not knowing the whole story

Happiness is a long walk in beautiful, unfamiliar mountains

It’s a mistake to think that happiness is the goal

Happiness is being with the people you love; unhappiness is being separated from the people you love

Happiness is knowing that your family lacks for nothing

Happiness is doing a job you love

Happiness is having a home and a garden of your own

It’s harder to be happy in a country run by bad people

Happiness is feeling useful to others

Happiness is to be loved for exactly who you are (People are kinder to a child who smiles)

Happiness comes when you feel truly alive

Happiness is knowing how to celebrate

Happiness is caring about the happiness of those you love

Happiness is not attaching too much importance to what other people think

The sun and the sea make everybody happy

Happiness is a certain way of seeing things

Rivalry poisons happiness

Women care more than men about making others happy

Happiness means making sure that those around you are happy
— Hector and the Search for Happiness - Francois Lelord

What do you think of the list? Would you add anything? Tell me below in the comments. Have a good weekend.

For those of you working on the Manifesto Project, I haven't forgotten next steps. I will return to the manifesto series in two weeks. This gives everyone the extra time to get everything in order. Don't hesitate to send questions though.